Alexis
In this article, we will explore a widely used and truly subtle manipulation technique: the silent treatment or manipulation through silence.
What is the silent treatment?
Silence as a manipulation technique involves a lack of verbal or non-verbal communication.
When a partner refuses to listen, speak, or respond, they are consciously or unconsciously using the silent treatment. In some relational dynamics, individuals may even refuse to acknowledge their partner’s existence for hours or even weeks.
When it’s time to reconnect and explain, the neglected and devalued partner will typically face excuses of varying credibility.
Why use this technique?
The silent treatment is often employed to control conversation, steer the direction of a relationship, induce fear or anxiety, or create emotional tension. The aim is to achieve one’s goals, whatever they may be.
This places the manipulation victim in a state of dependency because obtaining the other person’s favor (i.e., normal and respectful behavior) depends on their partner’s goodwill.
Even if the person using the silent treatment appears polite (not raising their voice, not being verbally or physically violent), there is a total or partial withdrawal, both physically and emotionally.
There may be complete withdrawals (physical and emotional) for several days or weeks following a displeasing situation, sending the message: “When you do X or Y, I disappear, so don’t do it again.”
This gradually shapes the victim’s behavior, who depends on their partner for basic human needs: to be heard, listened to, understood, and appreciated.
Manipulation can be subtler when it involves absences or partial withdrawals. The person is still physically present but treats the victim like a mere neighbor or stranger.
The type of response to the silent treatment
When the victim attempts to discuss it, they will then face excuses or other gaslighting manipulation techniques with responses like:
- “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
- “It’s all in your head.”
- “You’re imagining things.”
- “You’re just looking for problems where there aren’t any.”
- “You’re never satisfied.”
- And so on.
Gaslighting involves being subjected to someone else’s behavior and being blamed for one’s own negative reaction to it.
When the person faces these silences, they try to talk about it and then get gaslighted. Through repetition, the victim may start questioning their own reality. What if it wasn’t them who was crazy? 🤔
The victim may start to believe that they are the ones creating the problems when in fact, that’s not the case. They then tend to question themselves and gradually accept toxic behaviors, thinking it’s normal.
To get out of this kind of situation, one must stick to the facts through logical, structured, and analytical thinking:
Who did – What – Where – When – How
This helps easily spot repetitive patterns, behavioral recurrences. One realizes that it’s “always” the same story.
For example, if facing a person who uses contradictory injunctions (saying one thing and doing another) or the silent treatment, whenever questions are asked, one will face:
- Silences/withdrawals.
- Lame excuses.
- Memory losses.
- Avoidance.
- And so forth.
It can be even more subtle.
The person, unhappy with your questioning that holds them accountable, may pretend that everything is fine but oppose you in a different way. For instance, when it’s time to give you what you want…
Either they won’t give you what you want.
Or they will give you the opposite of what you want.
For example, it’s Julie’s birthday, and she hates fish. Unfortunately, Marc finds himself in a really tricky situation. Of all the supermarkets in the region, he could only buy fish. It was the only thing available. 🤓
It’s a sly and often calculated manipulation technique.
Why?
Because on one hand, the person is thinking of you, giving you a gift for your birthday. They’re marking the occasion. But on the other hand, they’re giving you something you don’t like. It’s a lack of recognition of who you are.
In fact, the person acknowledges you (it’s your birthday) but doesn’t acknowledge you (giving you something you don’t like).
If you try to talk about it at that moment, the person will feel attacked or criticized, and they’ll respond with a lame excuse like, “I’m sorry, but that’s all they had at the supermarket.”
In the era of Bolt, Uber, fast food, and 50 supermarkets and convenience stores per square kilometer, there was ONLY the thing Julie doesn’t like. 🤣🤣
The person will say it in a “victim” mode, as if they’ve done everything to please you, but…
“Julie, you’re never satisfied.”
“Julie, you always say I do things wrong.”
“Julie, you always ask for too much.”
And so on.
We then fall back into the responses mentioned above.
And why all this? Because the person is in a space of emotional blackmail and irresponsibility. I’d even add that by using the silent treatment, we’re in a subtle power game.
Symptoms of the silent treatment
The symptoms of using the silent treatment as a manipulation technique can vary depending on the situation and the targeted individual. However, here are some common symptoms that may indicate someone is a victim of the silent treatment:
- Feeling discomfort or unease in the presence of the person using silence: the targeted individual may feel emotional tension or pressure in the presence of the other person.
- Tension or conflict in the relationship: if silence is frequently used in a relationship, it can lead to a breakdown in communication, decreased empathy, and trust between individuals.
- Feeling psychological pressure: the targeted individual may feel compelled to fill the silence with words or actions, even if it doesn’t reflect their true feelings or intentions.
- Feeling devalued or a decrease in self-esteem: silence can make the targeted individual feel ignored or devalued, affecting their self-image and ability to express themselves freely.
- Anxiety or fear: silence can evoke feelings of anxiety or fear in the targeted individual, especially if used in a confrontational situation.
Conclusion
Silence can be a subtle manipulation technique that can be used in various situations. While it’s important to be aware of it in order to recognize it, it’s even more important to understand the following point, as without it, manipulation cannot thrive:
The expectations we have towards the other person create fertile ground for this kind of manipulation. Without this fertile ground, no manipulation technique can take root. Therefore, it becomes prudent to understand that we choose (often without realizing it at first) to enter into a conflict of interests or:
“I expect X or Y from this person and to obtain it, I accept their behavior to some extent.” When your expectations regarding a person using this technique disappear, so does the effect of manipulation. Therefore, it’s worthwhile to consider “how can I disengage from this situation?”
To go further :
- You can find us on instagram here.
- You can book a session here.
- I invite you to read my introduction on the why of this blog
- Original post on my french blog here.
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