The mechanisms of emotional dependency examined in detail (PART 2)

In the previous article, I discussed criteria 1 and 2 of the emotional dependency of the Runner. To better understand their behavior, feel free to visit the first article.

In this article, we will explore a certain type of behavior exhibited by runners in romantic relationships observed during coaching sessions with runners. Naturally, this may not apply verbatim to all runners but should be taken as indicative of a trend.

Table of Contents

Criteria No.3 – Fear & avoidance of disagreements with their partner

Now, the foundation of the toxic relationship begins to take shape, and each fills the other’s needs to some extent. In other words, this relationship is not based on love but on each one’s ability to fulfill the other’s needs and vice versa.

However, fulfilling the other’s needs means having leverage over them. And whoever has the deepest emotional deficiencies will be the most fragile and the most manipulable.

Welcome to power games!

So, in the event of a conflict, and since the Runner doesn’t dare to confront it for fear of rejection/exclusion, they tend to let themselves be overwhelmed if the conflict escalates too far. This doesn’t mean that they won’t “stand their ground” from time to time, but for the Runner, the ultimate threat is “watch out, tomorrow you’ll be alone.”

So, if the conflict escalates too far, the Runner runs the risk of touching on this threat. For example, the partner might start packing their bags in front of the Runner to show them how fed up they are.

But of course, it’s a bit of a bluff because the partner also needs the Runner, but it will be enough for the Runner to lay down their arms and reverse their decision. So, the bluff can be called off, and the bags unpacked. 😏

Indeed, the Runner knows that faced with this kind of threat, they will completely freeze in place. The “unawakened” Runner is really very much controlled by the reptilian brain:

Fight/Flight/Freeze.

In other words, they know panic attacks! From that moment on, the Runner will be “ready to do anything” to avoid their fear, which in a way is already manifesting before their eyes.

“The guy is packing his bags, and tomorrow I’ll be alone.”

In the Runner’s mind, it’s an interstellar void… they are completely overwhelmed by emotions of an exaggerated intensity: they panic totally.

Feeling really, really bad, they will seek the only thing they have always sought: to feel safe. In the present situation, the only thing to do and what they know:

Reunite their couple.

Remember: Alone they feel bad, Assisted they feel better.

And the toxic partner knows this perfectly well, hence this bluff, which is ultimately just emotional manipulation. Eventually, the Runner will fall back into line like a good little sheep.

Note that blackmail and manipulations are not necessarily expressed violently and directly as in the example above. There are even more insidious techniques.

Here is an example that a twin flame shared with me:

During a casual conversation over coffee, the toxic partner began complimenting the Runner. We all know that the Runner only lives, feeds, and defines himself by the gaze of others. So, in the face of so many compliments from their partner, they are on the verge of an emotional orgasm. (I’m exaggerating a bit here).

At this stage, the Runner’s critical thinking, which is generally not well developed, is completely “OFF”. This leaves all the room for manipulation:

Here’s what the partner says to the Runner to tighten their grip on them:

“But I believe in you, you are super capable, I admire you, you are strong and you have a lot of potential, you are an incredible person and I think you should start your own business and live your dreams… But as you know, you won’t succeed alone, because you’re afraid of responsibilities, administrative formalities, and that’s why I’m here.”

Life isn’t beautiful?

Well, I won’t even mention the inconsistency of the argumentation, which is really bogus: “You’re super powerful, but you won’t make it alone.” LOL! And that’s where we see that it’s just emotional manipulation…

The whole purpose of this speech is to push emotional “buttons” or “triggers” in the Runner. That’s why this type of inconsistency goes unnoticed. (The chaser will often experience the same things from the Runner during their journey, which is why I’m mentioning it here).

So, if this toxic person had tried to do this to a Chaser who had no emotional expectations towards them, they would have failed in a fraction of a second because we would have cut them off to say something like:

“Wait! How come I’m super capable, but I won’t make it alone..?!

And then we would face stammers from someone caught red-handed because their whole strategy is to push emotional triggers and not the logical/critical mind of the person.

So here, the toxic partner uses the emotional roller coaster:

Compliments (positive).
The problem (negative).
The solution (positive).

In short, the partner deliberately pushes the Runner into the fire where they will be totally terrified, scared, but will soon be relieved because… their Savior will “make them feel better”.

Isn’t this the same pattern that led the two partners to be together?

Alone, the Runner feels atrociously bad, helped they feel better?

In other words, the partner knows the Runner’s weaknesses and pushes them to dive into them to continue playing the role of savior/support, and thus… for them to continue playing their role: feeling useful in life.

And remind me, what happens when you save a Runner? They feel indebted for life!

This stratagem has only one goal: to tighten their grip on the Runner.

In the case of the twin flame in question, the partner used this kind of technique because they sensed that the tide was turning and the Runner was gradually losing interest in the relationship.

Now, here’s what a balanced person would do:

I give you appreciation (sincerely),
I show you the problem,
I offer a solution that YOU will implement.

In these conditions, the Runner then becomes the solution to their problem or not… depending on their choice. Whether it’s seeing a therapist, reading a self-help book, attending a seminar, or listening to podcasts: It’s the Runner who takes the step and takes charge, and at no time do they depend on anyone else.

The toxic partner and contracts:

The problem is that the toxic partner will never try to make the Runner independent. They may have a discourse that suggests otherwise, but in reality, they will never do anything in that direction, and it’s very clear: if they did, it would be the assured suicide of their relationship.

This partner is toxic, but far from being stupid. 🙃

Knowing that the Runner is not in a position of strength during a conflict, the idea is to add themselves to the company’s statutes or rental contracts to tighten the noose around the Runner.

Yes indeed. Because in the event that the Runner, in a “moment of temporary madness,” wanted to end the relationship, then they would have to go through all the administrative procedures, which means facing repeatedly a partner who has only one thing in mind: to make them change their mind.

Isn’t this a beautiful love story?

To go further :